How to Say Goodbye
by JasonStlyish
Summary: Before he disappears into the dark murky world of government black-sites, gone for as long as necessary, Chuck has one last question for Sarah. This is a slightly AU version of what happened on the rooftop at the end of season 1.


**I don't own Chuck. **

**Just playing with canon, and slight AU. I was thinking about how things could have gone differently with the "rooftop goodbye". This is the result.**

It was windy, late, cold, and isolated on the way up the helicopter pad, the handcuffs on his wrist, just another reminder of the prisoner the intersect turned him into. It was just Chuck and a virtually emotionless CIA agent. If an artist wanted to tweak things to enhance the mood of the situation, he would need to do nothing more than take a good picture with a professional camera.

As far as Chuck was concerned, his life was over. He would be taken to a bunker, or at least thats what he thought it was called, where the only people he would have contact with were more CIA agents, probably like the man escorting him now. If he was really lucky, maybe, just maybe, he would meet someone more like Sarah.

He was being forced to leave behind everyone and everything he cared about. He would probably have to wait a _very _long time before he could see them again_._ It would be forever before he could listen to Ellie and Awesome's strong and enthusiastic chatter and their hospital tales. It would be forever before he could have a taste of her wonderful cooking. It would be forever before he could play video-games with Morgan, and witness the folly of his antics. It would be forever before he could experience the pestering of Jeff and Lester, but then again he was in no hurry to return to that, or the Buymore. The worst part of it was, he would have to live with the fact that they thought he was dead, or that he left them without a goodbye. He would be haunted everyday imagining the pain they went through wondering what happened, as if Awesome losing his great mother's ring wasn't enough. Ellie would be hit the hardest— their mother, their father, and now him, the little brother whom of which she would never see reach his full potential. Awesome and Morgan would be all she had left. Hopefully this whole thing with Fulcrum would end at some point, and he could come home.

Then of course, he probably wouldn't see Sarah again. Well maybe he would get the occasional visit from her. Then she should would be gone still, reassigned and in the wind. That realization hurt as much as the idea of Ellie, Awesome, and Morgan never seeing him again.

As him and Longshore stepped up onto the pad, a burst of wind hit him, kind in force yet mercilessly cold, as if building up the anticipation for his impending doom. The big yellow "H" in the middle of the pad seemed to smile evilly at him.

"Longshore!"

He had a hard time believing it was her. As he heard that beautiful voice, it felt as though the wind warmed up slightly and the big yellow "H" dimmed in color, as if pouting.

They spun around, Longshore anticipating a threat, and Chuck desperate to see her face. There she was, standing still, looking a bit frightened and distressed, her golden hair a blowing mess in the wind, and still beautiful as ever.

"Is there a problem agent Walker?"

She seemed in panic, and so was so he. He wasn't ready to live with the pain of disappearing. He wasn't ready to sit in a solitary bleak room unable to connect with a normal human being 24 hours a day.

"Thank god you're here—I…I…I don't want to disappear—"

Her composure seemed to change instantly, the signs of her fear gone.

"It's okay Chuck.", she said with firm voice, maintaining eye contact. He wasn't sure he believed her, but her words made him feel safe. Then she looked to Longshore, without a pause in her speech pattern.

"Agent Casey is tracking the Fulcrum mole. He should have her in custody soon, so we can hold off on the Chuck transfer, for the time being."

She was here to stall, to save him. While this wasn't exactly an overall happy moment, he couldn't seem to feel the cold of the wind anywhere, and the cuffs on his wrist felt lighter and less restrictive.

"If there was a change in the operation, I would've been contacted. I have my orders."

Her composure seemed to be breaking down once again, and the desperation she'd had in her eyes earlier was seeping back in.

"We don't have to do this, this a judgement call. Okay we can just hold Chuck here until we know for sure."

"His cover's blown. He's gone."

Longshore was unmoved. He put his hand back on Chuck's arm. The panic in Sarah's eyes was getting more obvious with every second Longshore resisted her pleas.

"No, I will take full responsibility. Chuck is my asset, he's my guy."

_He's my guy_….

As he heard that phrase, a shock of pleasurable electricity went through his body. He wished there was more meaning to that phrase, but that fact that she'd used those words specifically made him feel as though he could fly, for just a second. At this point it was obvious that she just wanted to stall his imprisonment. He hoped she was also doing this to spend more time with him.

"Just…Just give us more time, please."

Chuck cut in thinking that maybe some input from him would influence Longshore's decision.

"I'd appreciate it. I really would."

"Please don't do this."

Sarah's right hand disappeared behind her back.

Longshore glanced between them. It was clear that Agent Walker cared for her asset, and Chuck's life would be over the second he stepped inside the coming chopper. He had his orders, but he decided he was willing to give them just a little more time.

"Okay."

He emphasized his point with his index finger, as if they were children bending the rules, and he was the adult willing to give a little leeway.

"You've got one minute. One minute."

**_Rihanna - Stay ft. Mikky__ Ekko_**

Longshore walked over to the edge of the helipad. Sarah's hand returned to view, and she seemed to relax. Chuck gasped in relief. Sarah, as if catching her breath, walked slowly towards him. They just stood there for moment gazing into each other's eyes, both mirroring fear and hope. Little did Chuck know how intense those feelings were on Sarah's end.

"I'm not ready Sarah. I'm not ready to disappear."

"No. I know. I know."

"I need you to talk to Ellie, and to Morgan and my friends, and-and-and-and tell' em…I don't know… I, look if I'm suppose to be dead, just say something, that will make it okay, that will make 'em feel alright. Just make sure they know how much I love 'em."

Sarah was on the verge of sobbing, and she had to blink away the threatening tears. She really didn't want to break down in front of Longshore, or in front of Chuck, but at this point she wasn't sure how much that mattered anymore.

"You can do that right?"

She blinked again forcing back tears and nodded. There he was, so innocent, so kind, so afraid, naive, and about to disappear. She couldn't speak, not with the range of emotions she was feeling right now, scared that she even felt them. With the amount of effort she spent holding it all back, she might as well have been trying to escape a firefight. The only reason she wasn't begging for that instead was Chuck. She didn't want to say goodbye, if that's what this would really turn out to be, but it was worth trying desperately to control herself, to at least say that much.

She didn't want to imagine herself telling Ellie, Devon, and Morgan what happened to Chuck. It would painful enough watching them grieve. If they knew the truth about Chuck, they would probably blame her for not doing a better job of keeping safe. If only she'd made a better tactical decision to find the bug and its receiver sooner, to find the mole sooner. If that had happened, then Chuck wouldn't have to spend the next couple of years in a cell within a black-site, maybe even longer if the powers that be decided the nation was safer with him there indefinitely. Chuck didn't seem to see it that way.

"Of course you can. You're Sarah Walker, you can do anything."

She couldn't help but give a brief tight smile. It took everything in her power not to sob uncontrollably right then and there. Chuck was so sweet and encouraging, believing she could do anything, even when she couldn't save him from a life of isolation. For whatever reason, Chuck began to smile.

"And hey, there's a silver lining to this too, you know? Because we're not working together anymore, which means we can go on a date. You can come by my cell, we can hang out, and you can tell me who the president is."

She laughed. It amazed her how he could even make a joke in a situation as dire as this. That was actually possible to arrange, very unlikely, but possible. He took her hands in his, rubbing his thumbs over them. God that felt good right now. Her fear winded down ever so slightly. It seemed that his thumbs were magically calming her down.

"…And maybe we can see how we really feel."

It might as well have been as much a question as it was statement. What they had—was it real? There was so much she wanted to say right now:

_…What we have is real…_

_…That kiss at the docks was real…_

_…I could do anything right now, I would keep you from leaving Ellie, Devon, and Morgan— I would keep you from leaving me…_

_…Please don't go…_

_…Please don't take him…_

_…You don't deserve this…_

Chuck needed to know something before she disappeared from his life forever. He needed to know if her stalling meant everything he hoped it did. He needed to know if it was real.

"You know, if we played the part of boyfriend and girlfriend in movie or Tv show, this would be the part where we kiss goodbye."

Then he saw what he was looking for. She chuckled with a sad undertone. Her eyes sparkled, she gave a tight smile, and her face lit up slightly. So he went for it. He took a few small steps, closing the distance between them and kissed her. To his relief, she didn't resist. It seemed as though his kiss crumbled her resolve. As he kept going, Sarah pulled at the curls behind his head to force him down to deepen the kiss. His test turned from simple lip contact, to a violent fencing match between their tongues provided with moaning as background music. When suffocation seemed imminent they separated. Sarah hands cautiously and awkwardly retreated from his head, and back to her sides. Chuck couldn't help but give slight goofy smile. He could go underground in relative peace now, but as he watched Sarah's expression he began to regret it. The kiss was too much wasn't it? She looked as if she was in shock, averting his gaze after a few seconds.

She had no idea he would actually go through with that. When Chuck kissed her, her hesitation—protocol, training and all, shot off the helipad like fireworks on the fourth of July. It was just as good if not better than the kiss at the docks, considering he was the one to initiate it. It was just the way she'd imagined it, only it was her who made the first move in that daydream. She'd secretly wanted it so badly, and now she got it, but was she ready to deal with the consequences?

Longshore was kind of pissed he hadn't seen this coming. He had just witnessed the evidence of an agent and her asset being romantically involved. At least they'd finished up within the time frame, and she would be permanently reassigned, so this wouldn't happen again.

"Time's up.", he announced in an irritated tone.

Chuck looked over at Longshore, and then back at Sarah, who still wouldn't meet his gaze. Frowning, Chuck began to walk toward Longshore.

As Chuck walked away from her for the last time, she called him in panic. She may have accidentally expressed a good deal of her feelings with that kiss, but it wouldn't do not to say anything, especially after she avoided his stare. They made eye contact for the last time.

"I'll Save you later?"

Chuck smiled and nodded his head. She smiled slightly in return with a tear streaming down her face. He turned back around to Longshore, continuing his walk. Then everything changed with the sound of silenced gunshot.

…

As they drove back to Chuck's, they didn't speak, nor did they look at each other, at least not when one knew the other was looking. The streets in front of her vanished quickly behind the car, not giving her a chance to take them in, make deep observations. That was how she felt about her and Chuck's relationship. What happened last night was like a blur, even though she clearly remembered every second. He kissed, she reciprocated— in full. That wasn't what scared her.

Even if she hadn't lost control, there wouldn't have been a good way for her to end it. She could've ether pushed him away, or encouraged him. Sarah had essentially given Chuck a green light for the possibility of a relationship, and this time there wasn't Bryce to make things painfully confusing. This whole situation complicated things both emotionally and tactically. If she pushed him away, it would just be another round of bullshit and angst, confusing Chuck, and hurting them both. And of course working together would be very awkward. If she—if they went through with this, explored what that kiss meant, it meant breaking protocol, and it meant giving Chuck false expectations. He wanted her, but he also wanted something normal, a real relationship. Sarah wasn't good at that. She'd never been in a proper relationship, not by the expected standards of Chuck's world. Spies were taught that sharing your life so openly with someone was dangerous, and she had been given a double dose of that philosophy constantly by her father for years. Honesty— dangerous to spies and conmen alike, fruitful for everyone else.

Of course she felt something for Chuck— She had this whole year. She wasn't sure what she felt. She knew it was strong at this point, strong enough to scare her, strong enough to make the car warmer than it actually was, and strong enough to make her question her ability to remain professional. If she couldn't remain professional, how could she even fathom protecting Chuck? It was like being given explosives without being trained to handle them. The more she tweaked them, the more she experimented with them, the longer she held on to them, the more at risk she was— The more at risk they both were.

Noticing that Chuck was duly focused on cleaning the ring with his tie, she took a moment to just look at him, admire him discreetly. Nothing had stopped him from going through a pile trash, gunk, and grub, just for his future brother-in-law's engagement ring. It could have been the sewer, and he still probably would've done it. It was just another thing that frighteningly increased her attraction to him.

**So how am I doing :)?**

**Please review**

**...**

******January 18th 2014, about a month or so since I've posted this chapter. For those who have reviewed and encouraged this, thank you very much. This was originally suppose to be a one-shot, but I am strongly considering continuing this story, and have already been thinking in detail about where to take it. However, I am very busy, and am anxious about posting quality work. I won't be posting anything for a little while, but hope to as soon as possible.**


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